The Greatest Commandment: Loving Equitably

The business of "serving humans," i.e., in any caring profession that requires someone to give "selflessly," there is a frequently echoed saying, "You need to take care of yourself first before you take care of others." What we may need to do to take care of ourselves may look different than what our neighbor requires from us. That is not a failure right out of the gate here. Jesus encourages us. Jesus wants us to love ourselves.

What is loving ourselves?

There are basic needs that everyone requires. Both Physiological and Safety needs. Almost no one is going to deny, in some way, that: air, food, drink, shelter, sleep, warmth, health, well-being, emotional/financial security, and feeling safe are necessary.

A physiological need that Maslow identifies and the third level of the hierarchy is where the tenseness comes into our relationship with ourselves, with our partner(s), and with God: Sex, Love, and Belonging.

Where it becomes grayer than black and white is how a person defines what Sex, Love, and Belonging are to both them and their "partners." This may sound familiar in terms of economic theory. Dr. John Nash (1) states, "The Best for the Group comes when everyone in the group does what's best for himself AND the group." Paul recognizes this in 1 Corinthians 7:1-3 when he instructs the slightly misjudging people of Corinth that if they can stay celibate, then they should. However, he acknowledges that this may be a challenge and encourage people to partner up if they feel that a need they have is to have sex. Alas, other things were going on in Corinth that Paul hoped to put the kibosh on.

"Self-love" in the context of this writing relates to a person understanding what they need in an intimate relationship. In a "Healthy Relationship," (2) partner(s) are not just aware of their needs and wants they hope to be fulfilled, but a goal in the relationship is to fulfill their partner(s) needs and wants as well. We need to recognize that one person's needs or wants can be very likely different from another. When we speak about "loving equally," we are missing the mark. Love our neighbor as ourselves is not about loving everyone equally as we factor in someone else's life experience. It's about loving equitably.

What do Nash's game theory and loving equitably have in common? When we demand that

we are "equals" in a monogamous relationship or should be loved "equally" if we are in a non-monogamous relationship, we do not necessarily demand a mirror image of every action by volume. Instead, we are asking whether someone's love equals the same weight in Gold. A pound of feathers, for instance, and a pound of Gold are going to look very different.

The catch here is to remember that love is not like pie. What one relationship looks like does not inherently require another connection to lose anything. (3) Compersion (4) is challenging, and jealousy is natural, but if we keep our eye on the horizon and we regard our partner's partner(s) as our neighbors, it is an experience we are worthy of.

---

Lou's "Cutting Floor" Last Thoughts:

1) John Nash,GoodReads,bit.ly/39nRRD3; S.K., "What is the Nash equilibrium and why does it matter?", The Economist, last modified September 11, 2016, https://www.economist.com/the-economist-explains/2016/09/06/what-is-the-nash-equilibrium-and-why-does-it-matter

2) "Healthy Relationships" are subjective in general. No one person can define a "healthy" sex life unless the relationship is abusive. An individual diagnosed with a mental health diagnosis would be considered an unhealthy attraction to sex. A base of healthy communication in this context is recognizing that each other is human and a person's emotional, physiological, mental, and physical health is being taken care of.

3) An individual living with a chronic health condition, mental health, or neurodivergent mind may subscribe to the spoon theory, which looks like a pie. This writing assumes that the relationship between you and your partner(s) is healthy and recognizes that health and energy limits are finite.

4) Definition of Compersion: http://dictionary.sensagent.com/Compersion/en-en/#:~:text=Compersion%20is%20a%20state%20of%20empathetic%20happiness%20and,including%2C%20but%20not%20limited%20to%2C%20another%20romantic%20interest.